adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims

MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI are being treated. "To be honest, we were a little surprised when he stopped by, but it was certainly a thoughtful gesture on his part," said Jim Douglas, president of the hospital where the gunshot victims, including one police officer and a man who remains in critical condition, continue to recover. "Our patients seemed confused by his presence at first, but once we introduced him to them, they did their best to smile and nod hello." In a statement released early Friday, Bale extended his "deepest sympathies" to the injured and the families of the deceased, and said that spending time with the victims was "the least [he] can do anytime something this awful happens."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close