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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims

MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI are being treated. "To be honest, we were a little surprised when he stopped by, but it was certainly a thoughtful gesture on his part," said Jim Douglas, president of the hospital where the gunshot victims, including one police officer and a man who remains in critical condition, continue to recover. "Our patients seemed confused by his presence at first, but once we introduced him to them, they did their best to smile and nod hello." In a statement released early Friday, Bale extended his "deepest sympathies" to the injured and the families of the deceased, and said that spending time with the victims was "the least [he] can do anytime something this awful happens."

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