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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims

MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI are being treated. "To be honest, we were a little surprised when he stopped by, but it was certainly a thoughtful gesture on his part," said Jim Douglas, president of the hospital where the gunshot victims, including one police officer and a man who remains in critical condition, continue to recover. "Our patients seemed confused by his presence at first, but once we introduced him to them, they did their best to smile and nod hello." In a statement released early Friday, Bale extended his "deepest sympathies" to the injured and the families of the deceased, and said that spending time with the victims was "the least [he] can do anytime something this awful happens."

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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