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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God

SANDUSKY, OH—Despite intense unhappiness and an ever-widening emotional rift between them, devout Christian couple Linda and Benjamin Dollinger told reporters Monday that they have decided to stay married for the sake of their only true lord, God. "We're afraid that if we get a divorce, He'll never forgive us," said Benjamin, 37, who admitted that he and Linda had recently started arguing in their car with the radio on so that God wouldn't hear them. "We try not to let on how bad things actually are, but I think that, at least on some level, He knows something is wrong." Linda said that she and Benjamin plan to stay committed to their loveless marriage "just until [they] die."

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