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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God

SANDUSKY, OH—Despite intense unhappiness and an ever-widening emotional rift between them, devout Christian couple Linda and Benjamin Dollinger told reporters Monday that they have decided to stay married for the sake of their only true lord, God. "We're afraid that if we get a divorce, He'll never forgive us," said Benjamin, 37, who admitted that he and Linda had recently started arguing in their car with the radio on so that God wouldn't hear them. "We try not to let on how bad things actually are, but I think that, at least on some level, He knows something is wrong." Linda said that she and Benjamin plan to stay committed to their loveless marriage "just until [they] die."

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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