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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler

TUPELO, MS—Born-again Christian juggler Jesse Lindall, 44, said Tuesday he regrets his secular past. "Kids are trying to juggle friends and school, so it can be overwhelming when Satan throws them a temptation—ho!" Lindall said as he added a flaming torch to a circle of juggling pins. "I used to juggle for kicks and some spare change, but now I'm doing it to spread Christ's Word to young people. I only wish I would've used my juggling for a greater purpose years ago. Ho!" Lindall said he is working on a new bit that involves juggling multiplying loaves of bread and fish.

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