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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Christian Rock Uninspired

BEATRICE, NE—Here Comes The Son (Of God), the latest album by Christian rock band Fisherz Of Men, is being panned by Nebraska Christian-rock critics as passionless and uninspired. "This effort, if it can be called that, is nothing more than shallow feel-good meanderings and phoned-in musicianship," said critic Kevin Ames. "The questionable 'Drinking In Remembrance' and the tepid 'hard rock' cover of 'Lord I Lift Your Name On High' haven't got a prayer of winning new converts." Lead singer Seth Jago admitted that the band has been "going through a real personal Gethsemane."
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