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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Christian Theme Park Features World's Largest Spanking Machine

Reston, VA—The Matthew, Mark, Luke and Fun Playland theme park opened Saturday to a record crowd, most of which came to ride the new Spankinator 7000, the world’s largest spanking machine. Developed by Playland technicians, the Spankinator has the ability to spank over 450 children at once, while blasting Bible quotes through 800-watt hydrophonic speakers. “Many parents simply do not have the time to spank and quote scripture simultaneously, especially in public,” park spokesman Father John Parks said. “Now, they can do it in a ‘fun’ and safe Christian environment, as well as take in a Mass or ride the You’re-Going-to-Rot-in-Hell-Go-Round.”

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