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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Christian Theme Park Features World's Largest Spanking Machine

Reston, VA—The Matthew, Mark, Luke and Fun Playland theme park opened Saturday to a record crowd, most of which came to ride the new Spankinator 7000, the world’s largest spanking machine. Developed by Playland technicians, the Spankinator has the ability to spank over 450 children at once, while blasting Bible quotes through 800-watt hydrophonic speakers. “Many parents simply do not have the time to spank and quote scripture simultaneously, especially in public,” park spokesman Father John Parks said. “Now, they can do it in a ‘fun’ and safe Christian environment, as well as take in a Mass or ride the You’re-Going-to-Rot-in-Hell-Go-Round.”

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