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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came out of nowhere Wednesday to convince delegates that the future candidate deserved the nomination, and that he should be the leading Republican on the ticket this fall. "If we're going to beat Obama in November, we're going to need a candidate who is charismatic and has had years to distance himself from the disastrous 2012 crop of potential nominees like Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and a still-very-green Chris Christie," Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus told reporters, adding that the Christie 2016 campaign had already raised hundreds of millions of dollars in donations from David Koch and investment banker Charles Schwab. "With Christie selecting Paul Ryan—who has had four years to come back to the center on economic issues—as his running mate, the Republican ticket is exceptionally strong. If I were Obama right now, I'd be very worried." At press time, the Christie 2016 campaign was planning an appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman, where the candidate will more than likely discuss his new fit and trim appearance.

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