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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron’s Corned Beef Sandwich

DURHAM, NH—Delivering an impassioned statement Friday during a campaign stop at Lou’s Diner, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie reportedly described the jihadist militant group ISIS as a “grave, towering, meaty threat” to the United States while staring intently at a customer’s corned beef sandwich. “They are a violent, hateful, mouthwateringly delicious force that’s stacked high throughout the Middle East,” said Christie, licking his lips and promising the restaurant patron that the savage, savory extremists “wouldn’t last 30 seconds” under his administration. “These salt-cured, thinly sliced, melt-in-your-mouth radicals want nothing more than to force the world to live under strict, melty Swiss cheese. Well, let me tell you: When I’m president, I won’t stop until we get those thick-cut rye bread fundamentalists in our hands, squeeze them down, and finish off every last brutal, succulent morsel of that delectable menace, reducing their terror network to crumbs.” At press time, Christie was explaining that to truly demolish the ruthless, juicy Islamic fundamentalists, he would seek to enlist the help of the Russian dressing.

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