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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Christie Describes ISIS As Grave, Towering, Meaty Threat To U.S. While Staring At Diner Patron’s Corned Beef Sandwich

DURHAM, NH—Delivering an impassioned statement Friday during a campaign stop at Lou’s Diner, Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie reportedly described the jihadist militant group ISIS as a “grave, towering, meaty threat” to the United States while staring intently at a customer’s corned beef sandwich. “They are a violent, hateful, mouthwateringly delicious force that’s stacked high throughout the Middle East,” said Christie, licking his lips and promising the restaurant patron that the savage, savory extremists “wouldn’t last 30 seconds” under his administration. “These salt-cured, thinly sliced, melt-in-your-mouth radicals want nothing more than to force the world to live under strict, melty Swiss cheese. Well, let me tell you: When I’m president, I won’t stop until we get those thick-cut rye bread fundamentalists in our hands, squeeze them down, and finish off every last brutal, succulent morsel of that delectable menace, reducing their terror network to crumbs.” At press time, Christie was explaining that to truly demolish the ruthless, juicy Islamic fundamentalists, he would seek to enlist the help of the Russian dressing.

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