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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Christmas Letter Ominously Makes No Mention Of The Twins

GREECE, NY—Though the annual Christmas letter from the Thompsons addresses Elliot's first semester at college and Mom's new job, it eerily makes no mention of the twins, concerned sources reported Monday. "It talks about their vacation in Reno and Uncle Rick's laparoscopic surgery, but then it jumps right to a paragraph about Aunt Laura's new computer," said recipient Stephen Olander, adding that the letter was far more soberly written than in previous years, foregoing the usual narrative device in which an irreverent update on the Thompsons is written from the point of view of the family's cat, Sergei. "It's all very, very weird." Olander conceded that perhaps there was no cause for alarm, saying that maybe his aunt was stymied by the rhyme scheme of "The Night Before Christmas," and thus unable to work the twins into her musings.

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