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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Christmas Letter Ominously Makes No Mention Of The Twins

GREECE, NY—Though the annual Christmas letter from the Thompsons addresses Elliot's first semester at college and Mom's new job, it eerily makes no mention of the twins, concerned sources reported Monday. "It talks about their vacation in Reno and Uncle Rick's laparoscopic surgery, but then it jumps right to a paragraph about Aunt Laura's new computer," said recipient Stephen Olander, adding that the letter was far more soberly written than in previous years, foregoing the usual narrative device in which an irreverent update on the Thompsons is written from the point of view of the family's cat, Sergei. "It's all very, very weird." Olander conceded that perhaps there was no cause for alarm, saying that maybe his aunt was stymied by the rhyme scheme of "The Night Before Christmas," and thus unable to work the twins into her musings.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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