Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 15

Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising

BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's raising. "People came from as far away as Lancaster to pitch in," said local delivery-truck driver Jonathan Beckman, 44. "It was a real team effort: Me, Zachary Fordice, and Eli White poured the foundation while old Benjamin Wetzel built the prep-tables, and the womenfolk installed the booths' vinyl seat covers." Beckman said his wife Maryellen "can't wait" to whip up a fresh homemade batch of Arby's famous Horsey Sauce.

Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell

NORTHAMPTON, MA—Three days after burying his beloved labrador retriever, Daniel MacNeil, 9, was told about doggy heaven and hell by his fourth-grade teacher, Sister Doris Behnke. "Don't cry, Daniel. I'm sure Shiner was a very good doggy," Behnke told the mourning child Tuesday. "He's probably in Doggy Heaven right now, running through its big green fields and chasing squirrels. Only disobedient doggies who chew on the furniture or lift their legs on the carpet will burn in the eternal, white-hot kennel fires of Doggy Hell."

Tortured Ugandan Political Prisoner Wishes Uganda Had Oil

KAMPALA, UGANDA—A day after having his hands amputated by soldiers backing President Yoweri Museveni's brutal regime, Ugandan political prisoner Otobo Ankole expressed regret Monday over Uganda's lack of oil reserves. "I dream of the U.S. one day fighting for the liberation of the oppressed Ugandan people," said Ankole as he nursed his bloody stumps. "But, alas, our number-one natural resource is sugar cane." Ankole, whose wife, parents, and five children were among the 4,000 slaughtered in Uganda's ethnic killings of 2002, then bowed his head and said a prayer for petroleum.

Is Syria Next?

Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you think?

That Rob's Got Some Seriously Strong Shit

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I got my irons in a shitload of fires these days. I got this new job running people from the airport to a car-rental place in a little bus. I know it ain't the coolest job in the world, but it keeps my cruising skills sharp, plus I get three weeks' vacation and some insurance. I never thought I'd be one of those old fogies who cared about insurance, but there it is. Don't think I can't still rock, though.

Uday's Pleasure Palace

Last Week, U.S. soldiers toured the remains of Uday Hussein's home, uncovering a lavish palace of sex ands drugs. Among the niceties enjoyed by Saddam's son:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife

SPARTA, TN–Noted author, social critic, and political gadfly Christopher Hitchens was once again the focus of controversy Monday, when he was forcibly removed from Happy Trails trailer park following a drunken confrontation with Noreen Bodell, 39, his common-law wife of 14 years.

Responding to a domestic-disturbance call, police arrived at the couple's double-wide trailer at approximately 2:15 p.m. to find Hitchens and Bodell throwing dishes at each other. When the officers attempted to remove Hitchens from the premises, the leftist intellectual became physically and verbally abusive toward the officers, calling them "shitkickers," "bitches," and "effete liberal apologists for the atrocities of late-stage capitalism."

An inebriated Hitchens is forcibly removed from the Happy Trails trailer park.

Having consumed what sources described as "a substantial amount of single-malt scotch," Hitchens then burst into tears, yelling, "That woman never understood me for who I am. I want to talk to [Harper's editor Lewis] Lapham. Lapham's the only one who understands me."

Charged with disturbing the peace, Hitchens was taken to the Sparta police station at 3 p.m. and released four hours later.

Little is known about Bodell, a heavy-set blonde who has been known to use several different surnames. According to sources familiar with the couple, the incident marks the third time in as many weeks that police have been forced to intervene in their volatile relationship.

"We're down at the old Hitchens place probably twice a month at least," said Sgt. Wilson Vernon, the first of three officers to arrive at the scene. "Once his blood's up, old Hitch can get meaner than a three-legged coon hound. From what the neighbors told us about this latest incident, Noreen was all worked up, accusing him of drinking and womanizing. He was angry with her refusal to acknowledge that there is ample evidence to make a case for prosecuting Henry Kissinger as a war criminal. She just kept shouting, 'No, there ain't!'"

Police were initially summoned when neighbors reported hearing shouting and a loud crash, followed by a rambling polemic on Kissinger's alleged covert approval of Indonesia's illegal invasion of East Timor in 1975.

Though the belligerent Hitchens required three officers to subdue him, police do not consider the incident serious, calling it "business as usual" and describing Hitchens as a "hot-tempered but essentially harmless provocateur for the Far Left."

"Hitch is an all-right guy once he sobers up," Vernon said. "He just gets a little wound-up sometimes, like when his woman stays out all night down at Smokey Joe's Tavern, or he has a deadline looming for his Vanity Fair column."

Hitchens' run-ins with the law have not been restricted to Sparta city limits. In May 2002, he was arrested for drunkenly singing 1930s union songs while driving a stolen riding lawnmower through the streets of Boston, where he was attending an international women's-rights conference. Hitchens accused police of "atavistic, morally reprehensible Stalinist scare tactics" before being bailed out by conference organizers the following morning.

Sgt. Ed Poole of Boston's 11th Precinct said there was no love lost between Hitchens and his arresting officers.

"Word got around the station that this guy wrote a whole book claiming that Mother Teresa was a stooge of right-wing dictators," Poole recalled. "Supposedly, he said her hypocritical approach to charity for the poor of Calcutta, as well as her steadfast advocacy of the Catholic Church's doctrine prohibiting birth control, made her an essentially immoral individual undeserving of the mantle of sainthood. Well, a lot of the boys here are Irish-Catholic born and raised, and they don't take too kindly to people speaking ill of nuns."

Town officials in Sparta, where Hitchens has maintained an on-again, off-again residence for two decades, admit that he may be "a handful" at times, but they insist he is not a danger to himself or others.

"If I know Hitch, by the end of the week, he and Noreen'll be back together, cuddlin' and kissin', just as happy as two crawdads in a pond," Sparta Police Chief Buck Perkins said. "We don't get a lot of ultra-progressive agitators 'round these parts, but Hitch is okay. Plus, he earned a lot of points with the townsfolk for his vocal criticism of the anti-war movement. Even though he was attacking the war opponents from the left, folks around here don't necessarily understand the implications of that, so he's an all-right Joe in their book."

Added Perkins: "So long as Hitch can learn to keep his mouth shut about Christianity being symptomatic of the 'savage and ignorant prehistory of our species' and whatnot, I'm sure he'll cause no trouble that a few cups of black coffee and a night in the drunk tank can't solve."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More