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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank

LONDON, ONTARIO—Eric Lindros, the occasionally brilliant but often-injured winger whose career was punctuated by shockingly severe concussions, called a press conference on Thursday to announce his retirement after 13 seasons with Citibank. "It's been a great 78 years," said the six-time All-Star, who punctuated the emotional event with several minutes-long silences, aimless whistling, and fits of high-pitched laughter. "Working with an organization like this has been an honor, at every location I've been assigned. I'll always cherish the time I spent at our branch in Philadelphia; I learned a lot about mortgage financing in New York; and, of course, I'll never forget my time in Philadelphia. Now I can turn my focus to my boyhood dream of visiting every hockey arena in the NHL." Lindros brought the press conference to a close by standing up, turning slowly and jerkily in a circle, sitting down heavily in his chair, and dying of subdural cerebral hemorrhaging.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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