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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank

LONDON, ONTARIO—Eric Lindros, the occasionally brilliant but often-injured winger whose career was punctuated by shockingly severe concussions, called a press conference on Thursday to announce his retirement after 13 seasons with Citibank. "It's been a great 78 years," said the six-time All-Star, who punctuated the emotional event with several minutes-long silences, aimless whistling, and fits of high-pitched laughter. "Working with an organization like this has been an honor, at every location I've been assigned. I'll always cherish the time I spent at our branch in Philadelphia; I learned a lot about mortgage financing in New York; and, of course, I'll never forget my time in Philadelphia. Now I can turn my focus to my boyhood dream of visiting every hockey arena in the NHL." Lindros brought the press conference to a close by standing up, turning slowly and jerkily in a circle, sitting down heavily in his chair, and dying of subdural cerebral hemorrhaging.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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