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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank

LONDON, ONTARIO—Eric Lindros, the occasionally brilliant but often-injured winger whose career was punctuated by shockingly severe concussions, called a press conference on Thursday to announce his retirement after 13 seasons with Citibank. "It's been a great 78 years," said the six-time All-Star, who punctuated the emotional event with several minutes-long silences, aimless whistling, and fits of high-pitched laughter. "Working with an organization like this has been an honor, at every location I've been assigned. I'll always cherish the time I spent at our branch in Philadelphia; I learned a lot about mortgage financing in New York; and, of course, I'll never forget my time in Philadelphia. Now I can turn my focus to my boyhood dream of visiting every hockey arena in the NHL." Lindros brought the press conference to a close by standing up, turning slowly and jerkily in a circle, sitting down heavily in his chair, and dying of subdural cerebral hemorrhaging.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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