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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Chronically Concussed Eric Lindros Announces Retirement From Citibank

LONDON, ONTARIO—Eric Lindros, the occasionally brilliant but often-injured winger whose career was punctuated by shockingly severe concussions, called a press conference on Thursday to announce his retirement after 13 seasons with Citibank. "It's been a great 78 years," said the six-time All-Star, who punctuated the emotional event with several minutes-long silences, aimless whistling, and fits of high-pitched laughter. "Working with an organization like this has been an honor, at every location I've been assigned. I'll always cherish the time I spent at our branch in Philadelphia; I learned a lot about mortgage financing in New York; and, of course, I'll never forget my time in Philadelphia. Now I can turn my focus to my boyhood dream of visiting every hockey arena in the NHL." Lindros brought the press conference to a close by standing up, turning slowly and jerkily in a circle, sitting down heavily in his chair, and dying of subdural cerebral hemorrhaging.

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