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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use

Company Says Car's Tires Can Be Upgraded For Shag Carpeting

AUBURN HILLS, MI—In a press event at its corporate headquarters Tuesday, Big Three automaker Chrysler unveiled a new entry into its vehicle lineup known as the Reside, a midsized, five-passenger sedan designed exclusively for in-home driving.

According to Chrysler chairman C. Robert Kidder, who kicked off the event by driving a sporty red test model from his office to the showroom podium, the household automobile has been "expertly engineered" for indoor driving conditions and is "ideal" for people on the go from one room of their home to another.

"With its sport-tuned suspension and spacious, comfortable interior, the Reside provides the ultimate around-the-house driving experience," said Kidder, gesturing toward a large image behind him of the vehicle cornering smoothly around an ottoman. "It's perfect for hauling that big load of laundry, shuttling the kids off to bed, and bringing the whole family to the dinner table each night."

"But this isn't your typical ho-hum four-door sedan," Kidder added. "It's also a high-performance vehicle that's great for just hitting the open halls or cruising down to the basement rec room to get away from it all."

Following years of flagging sales, billions in government aid, and a Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization, Chrysler hopes to reverse its fortunes by positioning itself as the first mover in the untapped within-home transportation market, which it regards as a vast and lucrative growth sector.

Chrysler says their new in-home sedan is ideal for "those long trips between floors."

In a two-minute promotional video pre-sented after Kidder's remarks, the Reside was shown accelerating swiftly down a well- appointed foyer, effortlessly climbing the switchback staircase of a split-level home, and engaging in a controlled slow-motion sideways slide across a linoleum kitchen floor.

Starting at $17,595, the Reside boasts standard side curtain air bags; a five-star furniture-impact safety rating; a 3.5-liter, 239-horsepower V-6 engine capable of accelerating from zero to 60 miles per hour in 6.4 seconds; an integrated GPS turn-by-turn navigation system; and heated seats.

"This is the perfect car for an active family," said 36-year-old Anna Cavallo of Towson, MD, who test drove a Reside prototype for six months in her duplex townhouse. "I just pull right into my kids' rooms in the morning, honk them awake, and drive them over to get breakfast in the kitchen."

"After that, it's a quick drive to the garage where we can hop right into the minivan and head to school," Cavallo added.

According to EPA estimates, the Reside averages 28 miles to the gallon in hallway driving and 19 in a cluttered pantry or messy teenager's room.

In standard three-bedroom-home testing, the Reside reportedly cut the average person's commute to the bathroom by 80 percent and made driving down to the basement to pick up laundry a breeze.

"This is a fun and practical automobile, but it's so much more to boot," Chrysler spokesperson Amanda Montgomery said. "Ideal for parking right in front of the TV or a camping trip on an enclosed deck, the Reside allows you to enjoy the comforts of home without having to leave your car."

"And what could be better than an optional power sunroof for those beautiful days when you decide to take a pleasant cruise down to the sunroom?" Montgomery added.

With its "Drive Home" television and print ad campaign launching nationwide this week, the Reside already appears to have piqued considerable interest among the general public.

"It's about time, really," said 43-year-old father of two Roland Crawford of St. Louis. "Our old 1994 Hyundai Accent can barely make it upstairs anymore."

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