adBlockCheck

Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use

Company Says Car's Tires Can Be Upgraded For Shag Carpeting

AUBURN HILLS, MI—In a press event at its corporate headquarters Tuesday, Big Three automaker Chrysler unveiled a new entry into its vehicle lineup known as the Reside, a midsized, five-passenger sedan designed exclusively for in-home driving.

According to Chrysler chairman C. Robert Kidder, who kicked off the event by driving a sporty red test model from his office to the showroom podium, the household automobile has been "expertly engineered" for indoor driving conditions and is "ideal" for people on the go from one room of their home to another.

"With its sport-tuned suspension and spacious, comfortable interior, the Reside provides the ultimate around-the-house driving experience," said Kidder, gesturing toward a large image behind him of the vehicle cornering smoothly around an ottoman. "It's perfect for hauling that big load of laundry, shuttling the kids off to bed, and bringing the whole family to the dinner table each night."

"But this isn't your typical ho-hum four-door sedan," Kidder added. "It's also a high-performance vehicle that's great for just hitting the open halls or cruising down to the basement rec room to get away from it all."

Following years of flagging sales, billions in government aid, and a Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization, Chrysler hopes to reverse its fortunes by positioning itself as the first mover in the untapped within-home transportation market, which it regards as a vast and lucrative growth sector.

Chrysler says their new in-home sedan is ideal for "those long trips between floors."

In a two-minute promotional video pre-sented after Kidder's remarks, the Reside was shown accelerating swiftly down a well- appointed foyer, effortlessly climbing the switchback staircase of a split-level home, and engaging in a controlled slow-motion sideways slide across a linoleum kitchen floor.

Starting at $17,595, the Reside boasts standard side curtain air bags; a five-star furniture-impact safety rating; a 3.5-liter, 239-horsepower V-6 engine capable of accelerating from zero to 60 miles per hour in 6.4 seconds; an integrated GPS turn-by-turn navigation system; and heated seats.

"This is the perfect car for an active family," said 36-year-old Anna Cavallo of Towson, MD, who test drove a Reside prototype for six months in her duplex townhouse. "I just pull right into my kids' rooms in the morning, honk them awake, and drive them over to get breakfast in the kitchen."

"After that, it's a quick drive to the garage where we can hop right into the minivan and head to school," Cavallo added.

According to EPA estimates, the Reside averages 28 miles to the gallon in hallway driving and 19 in a cluttered pantry or messy teenager's room.

In standard three-bedroom-home testing, the Reside reportedly cut the average person's commute to the bathroom by 80 percent and made driving down to the basement to pick up laundry a breeze.

"This is a fun and practical automobile, but it's so much more to boot," Chrysler spokesperson Amanda Montgomery said. "Ideal for parking right in front of the TV or a camping trip on an enclosed deck, the Reside allows you to enjoy the comforts of home without having to leave your car."

"And what could be better than an optional power sunroof for those beautiful days when you decide to take a pleasant cruise down to the sunroom?" Montgomery added.

With its "Drive Home" television and print ad campaign launching nationwide this week, the Reside already appears to have piqued considerable interest among the general public.

"It's about time, really," said 43-year-old father of two Roland Crawford of St. Louis. "Our old 1994 Hyundai Accent can barely make it upstairs anymore."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close