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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse

EVANSTON, IL—Sources close to Arthur Meyer reported that the overweight Jewish teen hopes to someday inspire film producer Judd Apatow to create a series of comedic vehicles for him to star in. According to friends and family members, the 14-year-old is working to develop the persona of a foul-mouthed, emotionally stunted young man who seems hopelessly crude and self-indulgent but is ultimately lovable and capable of redemption. "I've been practicing having 'guy moments' with my pals where we call each other gay, but not like in a bad way," said Meyer. "I just want to be a movie star who plays an everyday guy who spends all his time looking at or discussing pornography, and then somehow winds up dating hot chicks." At press time, Apatow had already produced six films slated for a 2010 release with Meyer in the lead role.

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