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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse

EVANSTON, IL—Sources close to Arthur Meyer reported that the overweight Jewish teen hopes to someday inspire film producer Judd Apatow to create a series of comedic vehicles for him to star in. According to friends and family members, the 14-year-old is working to develop the persona of a foul-mouthed, emotionally stunted young man who seems hopelessly crude and self-indulgent but is ultimately lovable and capable of redemption. "I've been practicing having 'guy moments' with my pals where we call each other gay, but not like in a bad way," said Meyer. "I just want to be a movie star who plays an everyday guy who spends all his time looking at or discussing pornography, and then somehow winds up dating hot chicks." At press time, Apatow had already produced six films slated for a 2010 release with Meyer in the lead role.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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