Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

Top Headlines


Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

The author and columnist tells a party guest about the “self-reflexive mythos” inherent in Dio’s band dynamic.
The author and columnist tells a party guest about the “self-reflexive mythos” inherent in Dio’s band dynamic.

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expounding a variety of related and semi-related topics.

According to several eyewitness accounts, Klosterman encountered the party guest in a black T-shirt emblazoned with the Dio logo at approximately 9:30 p.m., walked directly over to the man, and immediately launched into a treatise on how the band’s 1983 debut release Holy Diver represented the purest manifestation of heavy metal music, “or, at least, our collective idea of what heavy metal music means.”

“Hey, man, it’s interesting that you’re wearing that,” Klosterman was overheard saying as he darted toward the man. “When Dio put out Holy Diver it really filled a void left by the band’s contemporaries Motörhead and Judas Priest, and yet there’s a sly sense of almost half-parody coursing through the record, too, where it’s almost saying ‘This is a record that knows what you expect of it, and is willing to both satisfy and subvert those expectations.’”

“And yet, with its expert power riffs and and its sense, lyrically, of overcoming Stygian forces, it also completely rocks, and thus sort of fulfills its raison d'être,” added the 42-year-old author.

Klosterman, who reportedly never introduced himself or asked for the man’s name, reflected on the “winking aggression” of Ronnie James Dio’s lyrics, which he acknowledged were emblematic of an escapist realm that reflected the needs and desires of a largely working-class fan base.

Though the man reportedly thought the conversation had concluded after 45 minutes, Klosterman moved closer, blocked him from leaving with his body, and started to talk at length about Dio’s bassists Jimmy Bain, Teddy Cook, Jeff Pilson, Larry Dennison, and Rudy Sarzo, and how the band’s shifting lineup “only further emphasized what remained constant” about the group.

“Now, of course it’s easy to recognize Jimmy Bain’s influence on Holy Diver, The Last In Line, Sacred Heart, Dream Evil, Magica, and Killing The Dragons, even as he’s being subsumed into a concept that is, if we’re being honest, larger than his own skill set,” Klosterman said to the man who appeared to desperately search the room for help. “But Jeff Pilson, who came from Dokken, may have had an even more significant impact on the band’s sound while recording Strange Highways, Angry Machines, and Master Of The Moon, in that I think you can actually hear him actively fighting against the group’s core identity in a way that creates tension.”

“It’s also interesting that Rudy Sarzo has a Black Sabbath connection since he had previously played in Ozzy Osbourne’s solo act,” added Klosterman. “In a way, he has the most impressive metal pedigree of all the bassists, if you also consider his work with Quiet Riot and Whitesnake.”

The man, who did not speak one word during the entire exchange, reportedly purchased the Dio shirt at a thrift shop.

Sources confirmed that Klosterman continued to invade the personal space of the man who tried to look away but was unable to escape the columnist’s ceaseless monologue, which swiftly hit on subjects such as the symbolic elements of Dio’s stage show, the significance, and “narrative continuity,” of recruiting former members of the groups Black Sabbath, Rainbow, and Sweet Savage, an obscure Canadian teen television drama, a road trip he took in the summer of 1995, and the inherent comic dualism of the Dio logo, which is Italian for “God” and spells out the word “devil” when viewed upside down.

“Perhaps what’s most intriguing is how the band’s persona and mythos essentially depicts a rock god, whether or not that distinction was earned,” Klosterman reportedly told the man who nodded, then tried to walk away, but was followed by the essayist. “Part of the reason I find the group so fascinating is that Dio’s career was peaking at roughly the same time as Sylvester Stallone’s, who had just co-written and starred in the smash-hit First Blood. I don’t believe that it would be arbitrary to include Arnold Schwarzenegger in this discussion, considering he had just achieved worldwide fame with his role in the film Conan The Barbarian. It’s interesting; all of those artists were sort of toying with, or rebranding in a sense, our own popular sense of machismo. It’s also probably worth mentioning that the animated series He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe had gone into syndication during this period as well. And in that sense, the muscular riffs and bravado of Dio’s brand of fantasy-infused metal are sort of right in step with the zeitgeist of the early 1980s, during which we saw our cultural heroes striking full masculine poses in the shadow of the Cold War. We must ask ourselves: What was the affection for the action hero—be it in cinema, television, or music—at the time? Why did we long for the archetype, and why, to a certain extent, do we still long for that archetype? How is “macho,” as a cultural signifier, being defined? How is it being confined? These larger-than-life and over-the-top heroes were boarding on cartoonish. And in that vein, Dio does verge on parody. But is it genuinely a knowing parody? Oh, man, I’m going to go grab a fresh drink. Let’s continue this conversation in a minute.”

Eyewitnesses told reporters that the man promptly fled the party, pushing several guests out of his way while frantically attempting to exit the apartment.