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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of human achievement were immortalized in Tom Wolfe's The Right Stuff, died in a dramatic wall of flames Monday when a malfunction occurred in the electronic components of his kitchen’s microwave oven. Yeager—who had survived high-speed stress-induced blackouts, engine burnouts and experimental-jet crash landings to set altitude and speed records, including his legendary 1947 breaking of the sound barrier—was reportedly toasting several bite-sized pizza pockets at the time of the equipment breakdown. "Chuck could’ve gotten out," retired Air Force captain and longtime Yeager friend Vernon Sawyer said. "But he insisted on finishing what he set out to do: heat and consume those snack-food items. He was very brave."

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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