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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi

CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.

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