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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Chuckling Cops Attempt To Imitate Sound Of Man Being Hit By Taxi

CHICAGO—After witnessing a fatal hit-and-run accident Tuesday, Chicago police officers Ed Malloy and Ron Garrity attempted to replicate the sound of a man being hit by a taxi. "First, there was the aiiigh, then a fa-wumpp ba-bumpp," Malloy said, stifling laughter. "Then, when he was bleeding from his mouth, he kind of went ggrrgg blibb-blibb." Garrity disagreed, saying the impact "sounded more like a tha-loomp poompf." Malloy said it was the funniest on-the-job incident since that junkie was stabbed in the ass.

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