Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

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Vol 34 Issue 07

Archaeologists Discover Strata Of Welcome Back, Kotter Merchandise

UNIONTOWN, PA—Archaeologists at a dig site in southwestern Pennsylvania have discovered a layer of the Earth's crust consisting entirely of Welcome Back, Kotter merchandise. "The strata we have discovered, located approximately 15 feet beneath the surface, dates to the mid-1970s and consists of items ranging from posters of Sweathog leader Vinnie Barbarino to lunchboxes depicting Arnold Horshack," head archaeologist Adrian Richelieu said. It is the largest such find since 1989, when archaeologists near Albuquerque, NM, discovered a 20-foot-thick layer of T.J. Hooker Trapper Keepers.

Public-Speaking Student To Make Point Of Gesturing

ABILENE, TX—Jonathan Cranland, president of the Eisenhower High School public-speaking club, announced Tuesday that he will gesture for emphasis during Friday's public-speaking district finals. "When I read the Gettysburg Address," Cranland said, "I will lend weight to key passages with dramatic hand flourishes, impressing upon judges and audience members alike the importance of said passages." Cranland added that he is also strongly considering thumping the podium or shaking his fist. "People will see how serious I am if I shake my fist," he said. "If I simultaneously shake my fist and raise my voice, that will be an overwhelming double whammy."

Trinidad And Tobago Issues Commemorative Leonardo DiCaprio Postage Stamp

PORT-OF-SPAIN, TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO—The Caribbean nation of Trinidad And Tobago honored actor Leonardo DiCaprio Monday with a special commemorative postage stamp, available for a limited time only. "The government of Trinidad And Tobago wishes to recognize Mr. DiCaprio for his truly 'titanic' performance in the blockbuster film that has passed Star Wars as the all-time box-office champ," Prime Minister Basdeo Panday said. "This attractive stamp, sold in collector's sheets of 27 for just $34.99, is a fitting tribute for such a man." Among the luminaries previously honored by the Trinidad And Tobago Postal Service: John Lennon, Princess Diana and Popeye.

Sing A Happy Tune

My nurse gave me a particularly cleansing enema to-day, and now I feel rather giddy and as light as a soap-bubble. What to do? Hunt pheasant? Dance a jig? I know! Let us sing a gay round!

Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Making Your Marriage Last

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

There Will Be An 80-Foot Statue Of Daniel J. Travanti If I Have To Build It Myself

One of the fundamental problems with America today, as a nation and a television audience, is a lack of reverence. We lack reverence for the elderly. We lack reverence for those who served our country in war. And, above all, we lack reverence for Hill Street Blues star Daniel J. Travanti. That is why I swear to you, before God Himself, that there will be an 80-foot statue of Daniel J. Travanti if I have to build it myself.

Fatal Spaz Attack Claims Life Of Area Spaz

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO—Friends and family are remembering Gilbert Wilkinson as a "total spaz" following his fatal spaz attack Tuesday at the Golden Palace Dance & Supper Club in Cape Girardeau. "We were dancing and laughing and just having a very nice time when, out of nowhere, he completely spazzed out," wife Louise Wilkinson said. "His arms were flailing wildly, and he was bouncing all over the place like a complete spaz. Gilbert had had spaz attacks before, but as soon as he started spazzing, I could tell this was the Big One." Funeral arrangements will be announced as soon as members of Wilkinson's family, also complete spazzes, stop spazzing out over his death.

Prime-Time 'Toons

From South Park to King Of The Hill to NBC's new Stressed Eric, animated shows are everywhere these days. Why so many cartoons?
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Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

LAGUNA HILLS, CA—It is a typical Sunday in this conservative Orange County suburb, as the parishioners of Holy Christ Almighty Baptist Church gather for morning worship. Organ music descends from the rafters as the wholesome-looking congregation files quietly into the building. Seated in orderly rows, the assembled families stand for the minister's blessing and open their hymnals to sing.

Dennis Lindeman, a reformed homosexual whose natural sexual urges have been repressed with the help of the Lord.

Among them, his arm around his wife, smiling down at the fresh-scrubbed faces of his two young children, born-again Christian Dennis Lindeman sings his heart out, secretly imagining a huge, engorged cock thrusting all the way down into the back of his throat.

Difficult as it may be to believe, just three years ago, this 44-year-old churchgoing family man was a construction worker, nightclub regular, and self-described "party slut" in Los Angeles' seamy homosexual underground. But now, thanks to the friends he has made through the Orange County-based Reclamation Ministries, all that has changed. Today, Lindeman is living a new life, one of devotion to his wife and children, piety before the Lord, and intense self-hatred and shame in the face of his entirely unchanged sexual orientation.

"Before I was converted to the light of the Lord, I was constantly indulging my sinful, natural sexual desires," Lindeman said. "But now, with the help of Jesus, all those group gropes in the backs of abandoned trucks near the warehouse district are just so many shadowy memories, fueling so many secret masturbation sessions, followed by paralyzing attacks of guilt and fear, and frantic prayers begging forgiveness."

His motorcycle gear, leather cap and butt-plug long gone, Lindeman has finally found a place for himself in the house of the Lord.

"Thanks to my new friends at Reclamation Ministries, I am redeemed and born anew in Christ," said Lindeman, respected throughout the community as a hardware-store owner, youth soccer coach and Kiwanis Club treasurer. "Before, I never would have thought it possible that I could go without meaty, throbbing cocks pumping my lubed-up asshole on a regular basis. What's more, I never thought I could live with the crippling self-loathing and shame that denying my true self would bring. But with the love of Jesus and the strong support of my wonderful wife Diane, that miracle has come true."

A 1995 photo of Lindeman and friends at an L.A. gay bar.

Unlike during his days of sexual liberation, the act of coupling, Lindeman said, is now a wholesome, maritally sanctified act devoid of any physical pleasure, performed solely for the purpose of procreation, as God intended.

"I feel so much better about myself," said Lindeman, choking back tears.

Diane Lindeman, a former lesbian also rescued by Reclamation Ministries, agreed with her husband. "We live like God intended now," she said, sitting bolt upright next to her husband in a stiff-backed chair, holding his hand for photographers. "We know that Jesus loves us for putting our homosexual ways behind us forever."

"God, I miss eating pussy," she added, grinding her teeth. "Deeply internalized self-hatred consumes every fiber of my being."

Dennis and Diane met in 1995 at a "Choose Love" weekend retreat, a Reclamation Ministries-sponsored program designed to help convert homosexuals to lives of decency and morality. The two grow teary-eyed recounting the story of their first meeting, recalling how a group of Christians held them in their arms and prayed to God to take away their natural sexual desires. They are nostalgic as they recall their wedding day, and how, with the help and support of their Christian brothers and sisters, they were able to convince themselves that a life of heterosexuality was for the best.

"Jesus has given me a fresh start," Dennis said. "When I lock myself in the bathroom with the light off, crying for hours on end, I know He is there watching over me, ready to hurl me into the pits of eternal hellfire if I give in to my ferocious, unquenchable desire to cup in my hands the butt cheeks of a hirsute Latino and gently tug them apart as I work my tongue into his ass."

Diane agreed. "Christ has taken over my life," she said. "Everything I am has been transformed by my Savior, who judges all in His love. I can't think of anything else but His divine mercy and guidance. Once I had my entire fist up this one chick's cunt. It was so incredible."

Rev. Henry Spottiswood, founder of Reclamation Ministries and marriage counselor for the Lindemans, praised the couple as "yet another victory" for the side of rectitude and piety.

"While it is true that Dennis and Diane may still harbor homosexual desires deep within their hearts, this is all right, because God forgives them for it," said Spottiswood, who had numerous homosexual encounters during his teenage years but has never allowed himself to consciously acknowledge them. "The important thing to remember is that this is not about what Dennis and Diane want. It is about what God wants for Dennis and Diane."

Added Spottiswood: "There is room enough for all in the closet of the Lord."

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