Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
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Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

LAGUNA HILLS, CA—It is a typical Sunday in this conservative Orange County suburb, as the parishioners of Holy Christ Almighty Baptist Church gather for morning worship. Organ music descends from the rafters as the wholesome-looking congregation files quietly into the building. Seated in orderly rows, the assembled families stand for the minister's blessing and open their hymnals to sing.

Dennis Lindeman, a reformed homosexual whose natural sexual urges have been repressed with the help of the Lord.

Among them, his arm around his wife, smiling down at the fresh-scrubbed faces of his two young children, born-again Christian Dennis Lindeman sings his heart out, secretly imagining a huge, engorged cock thrusting all the way down into the back of his throat.

Difficult as it may be to believe, just three years ago, this 44-year-old churchgoing family man was a construction worker, nightclub regular, and self-described "party slut" in Los Angeles' seamy homosexual underground. But now, thanks to the friends he has made through the Orange County-based Reclamation Ministries, all that has changed. Today, Lindeman is living a new life, one of devotion to his wife and children, piety before the Lord, and intense self-hatred and shame in the face of his entirely unchanged sexual orientation.

"Before I was converted to the light of the Lord, I was constantly indulging my sinful, natural sexual desires," Lindeman said. "But now, with the help of Jesus, all those group gropes in the backs of abandoned trucks near the warehouse district are just so many shadowy memories, fueling so many secret masturbation sessions, followed by paralyzing attacks of guilt and fear, and frantic prayers begging forgiveness."

His motorcycle gear, leather cap and butt-plug long gone, Lindeman has finally found a place for himself in the house of the Lord.

"Thanks to my new friends at Reclamation Ministries, I am redeemed and born anew in Christ," said Lindeman, respected throughout the community as a hardware-store owner, youth soccer coach and Kiwanis Club treasurer. "Before, I never would have thought it possible that I could go without meaty, throbbing cocks pumping my lubed-up asshole on a regular basis. What's more, I never thought I could live with the crippling self-loathing and shame that denying my true self would bring. But with the love of Jesus and the strong support of my wonderful wife Diane, that miracle has come true."

A 1995 photo of Lindeman and friends at an L.A. gay bar.

Unlike during his days of sexual liberation, the act of coupling, Lindeman said, is now a wholesome, maritally sanctified act devoid of any physical pleasure, performed solely for the purpose of procreation, as God intended.

"I feel so much better about myself," said Lindeman, choking back tears.

Diane Lindeman, a former lesbian also rescued by Reclamation Ministries, agreed with her husband. "We live like God intended now," she said, sitting bolt upright next to her husband in a stiff-backed chair, holding his hand for photographers. "We know that Jesus loves us for putting our homosexual ways behind us forever."

"God, I miss eating pussy," she added, grinding her teeth. "Deeply internalized self-hatred consumes every fiber of my being."

Dennis and Diane met in 1995 at a "Choose Love" weekend retreat, a Reclamation Ministries-sponsored program designed to help convert homosexuals to lives of decency and morality. The two grow teary-eyed recounting the story of their first meeting, recalling how a group of Christians held them in their arms and prayed to God to take away their natural sexual desires. They are nostalgic as they recall their wedding day, and how, with the help and support of their Christian brothers and sisters, they were able to convince themselves that a life of heterosexuality was for the best.

"Jesus has given me a fresh start," Dennis said. "When I lock myself in the bathroom with the light off, crying for hours on end, I know He is there watching over me, ready to hurl me into the pits of eternal hellfire if I give in to my ferocious, unquenchable desire to cup in my hands the butt cheeks of a hirsute Latino and gently tug them apart as I work my tongue into his ass."

Diane agreed. "Christ has taken over my life," she said. "Everything I am has been transformed by my Savior, who judges all in His love. I can't think of anything else but His divine mercy and guidance. Once I had my entire fist up this one chick's cunt. It was so incredible."

Rev. Henry Spottiswood, founder of Reclamation Ministries and marriage counselor for the Lindemans, praised the couple as "yet another victory" for the side of rectitude and piety.

"While it is true that Dennis and Diane may still harbor homosexual desires deep within their hearts, this is all right, because God forgives them for it," said Spottiswood, who had numerous homosexual encounters during his teenage years but has never allowed himself to consciously acknowledge them. "The important thing to remember is that this is not about what Dennis and Diane want. It is about what God wants for Dennis and Diane."

Added Spottiswood: "There is room enough for all in the closet of the Lord."