adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Church Member Not The Same Since Unsuccessful Choir Tryout

PORTLAND, ME–According to parishioners at St. Luke's Episcopal Church, Mary Raines, 58, has "not been the same" since her unsuccessful audition for the church choir last month. "Ever since Mary failed to make the cut, she sits in the back row for Sunday services and barely sings along," fellow parishioner Bill Genzler said. "Last weekend, she left the church bazaar an hour before it ended. That's just not like her."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close