CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

Top Headlines

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

WASHINGTON—Taking advantage of the system and giving nothing back in return, local unemployed, single mother Mei Xiang reportedly gave birth to two more children out of wedlock this week and continued to pathetically leech off the government.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

Having a baby changes everything, and the resulting lack of sleep and general stress can contribute to a decline in overall wellness. Here are some ways new parents can prevent bad habits and maintain good health

Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

LINCOLN, NE—Oblivious to the thoughts and looks directed toward her as she shopped for groceries, stopped by the post office, and ran several other errands with her three young children, single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

CIA: America May Have An Unknown Number Of Secret Admirers

President Bush contemplates whether to take truth or dare at a special late-night meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
President Bush contemplates whether to take truth or dare at a special late-night meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

WASHINGTON—In testimony before a special panel on domestic safety Tuesday, officials at the Central Intelligence Agency revealed that the U.S. may have anywhere between one and three unidentified secret admirers currently longing for the country.

"We face a new and disturbing reality: There are people out there who love us, and they're coming after us," said a blushing John Michael McConnell, director of national intelligence. "We currently have no leads as to who exactly has targeted the U.S. for its affections, but we can be certain our admirer's feelings are real and not going away anytime soon. I strongly urge all Americans to be incredibly flattered but cautious."

According to McConnell, the CIA received credible heart-shaped intelligence taped to the door of the agency's headquarters in early September, alerting them to an unspecified number of nations that might be harboring fondness for the United States. After being held to the chests of high-ranking CIA officials for a classified length of time, the note was subjected to a battery of forensic tests, as were the chocolates and single red rose that accompanied it. After six days of examination, however, analysts were unable to find a name on the card's pink, glittered surface.

A CIA-generated map highlights potential hot spots of romantic activity from around the globe.

President Bush was reportedly informed of the situation in excited whispers.

"I assure you, the full resources of your government are being utilized to track down any and all persons who may have special feelings for our great nation," McConnell said. "If this information were to fall into the wrong hands, it would be absolutely humiliating."

Intelligence officers were able to narrow the original field of 190 suspects to a more manageable 47, including Egypt, the European Union, and Antoine Martin, a 36-year-old tennis instructor from Monte Carlo. The agency also stepped up surveillance on Mexico and Canada, the two countries the CIA considers closest to the United States.

"We've always had a certain, well, tension with Russia, so we asked our most trusted field operatives to ask their most trusted field operatives if they maybe liked America, but so far the country has proven both uncooperative and bashful," said one unnamed CIA source, who confirmed that all intelligence-gathering operations in the Scandinavian countries were terminated after it was determined they were "out of [the U.S.'s] league." "Then Spain told us they had information as to who the admirer is, but unfortunately they have been sworn to secrecy."

The unnamed source added, "With our luck, it's probably Kyrgyzstan."

At an emergency sleepover session of Congress, lawmakers passed a $750 million appropriations bill to strengthen law enforcement presence at all major U.S. ports. The measure would dispatch more than 15,000 police officers to the nation's borders to inspect any boats transporting large quantities of perfume or jewelry, as well as any barges carrying suspiciously heartfelt poetry.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi personally pledged her support in finding the secret admirers, offering to make multiple diplomatic visits to Japan to assess the country's possible involvement and potential interest in the upcoming Modest Mouse show.

"Until we have more information about who we are dealing with and whether or not they are gross, all precautions must be taken to prevent a harmless crush from escalating into full-scale infatuation," Pelosi said, clutching a brief compiled by aides on which she had drawn a heart around the words "Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda."

Although sources at the agency report none of the top secret, encrypted messages passed to visiting dignitaries have been returned with "yes" boxes checked, they remain hopeful they will be able to root out all smitten parties and avoid any potentially awkward moments at the United Nations.

"I've said it all along: It's Africa," McConnell said. "They're always asking us for aid and inviting us to world health summits. I think it's pretty clear that they've been wanting to get our attention for some time."

After Birth Video