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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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CIA Forced To Complete All Scheduled Torture In One Hectic Weekend

WASHINGTON—Following the launch of a Justice Department criminal probe into the CIA's alleged abuse of detainees, the intelligence agency was forced last week to complete months of previously scheduled torture over the course of one frenzied weekend. "We were already way behind on false executions as it was," said CIA director Leon Panetta, who was overseeing the consolidation of several human pyramids into one large one so that relentless tauntings and other dehumanizing practices could be accomplished more efficiently. "Only three of the car batteries have any juice left, and these poor dogs are almost too tired to strike. If we weren't keeping these guys awake 24-7, there's no way we'd be able to wrap this up by Sunday." Panetta said that if the CIA didn't finish in time, he will order a covert operative to assassinate Russian president Dmitry Medvedev to take some of the pressure off.

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