adBlockCheck

CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Following an intrusive line of questioning during an interrogation Sunday, CIA agent Martin Crenshaw reportedly apologized profusely to suspected enemy combatant Faisal Ishaq for bringing up the admittedly touchy matter of his connection to al-Qaeda cells in Yemen. “Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry—that was way out of line,” a mortified Crenshaw said to Ishaq moments after posing an uncomfortable question regarding the detainee’s known ties to terrorist leaders, stating that he was fully aware of what a sensitive topic that was and acknowledging that it was “not really any of [his] business.” “Gosh, I wasn’t thinking at all when I said that, and I feel just terrible about putting you on the spot there. Please accept my apologies and let’s just forget I ever said that. What do you say we just start this over, okay?” In a further show of contrition, Crenshaw offered to lower the electrical current passing through Ishaq’s testicles.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close