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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Following an intrusive line of questioning during an interrogation Sunday, CIA agent Martin Crenshaw reportedly apologized profusely to suspected enemy combatant Faisal Ishaq for bringing up the admittedly touchy matter of his connection to al-Qaeda cells in Yemen. “Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry—that was way out of line,” a mortified Crenshaw said to Ishaq moments after posing an uncomfortable question regarding the detainee’s known ties to terrorist leaders, stating that he was fully aware of what a sensitive topic that was and acknowledging that it was “not really any of [his] business.” “Gosh, I wasn’t thinking at all when I said that, and I feel just terrible about putting you on the spot there. Please accept my apologies and let’s just forget I ever said that. What do you say we just start this over, okay?” In a further show of contrition, Crenshaw offered to lower the electrical current passing through Ishaq’s testicles.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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