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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Following an intrusive line of questioning during an interrogation Sunday, CIA agent Martin Crenshaw reportedly apologized profusely to suspected enemy combatant Faisal Ishaq for bringing up the admittedly touchy matter of his connection to al-Qaeda cells in Yemen. “Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry—that was way out of line,” a mortified Crenshaw said to Ishaq moments after posing an uncomfortable question regarding the detainee’s known ties to terrorist leaders, stating that he was fully aware of what a sensitive topic that was and acknowledging that it was “not really any of [his] business.” “Gosh, I wasn’t thinking at all when I said that, and I feel just terrible about putting you on the spot there. Please accept my apologies and let’s just forget I ever said that. What do you say we just start this over, okay?” In a further show of contrition, Crenshaw offered to lower the electrical current passing through Ishaq’s testicles.

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