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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Following an intrusive line of questioning during an interrogation Sunday, CIA agent Martin Crenshaw reportedly apologized profusely to suspected enemy combatant Faisal Ishaq for bringing up the admittedly touchy matter of his connection to al-Qaeda cells in Yemen. “Oh, jeez, I’m so sorry—that was way out of line,” a mortified Crenshaw said to Ishaq moments after posing an uncomfortable question regarding the detainee’s known ties to terrorist leaders, stating that he was fully aware of what a sensitive topic that was and acknowledging that it was “not really any of [his] business.” “Gosh, I wasn’t thinking at all when I said that, and I feel just terrible about putting you on the spot there. Please accept my apologies and let’s just forget I ever said that. What do you say we just start this over, okay?” In a further show of contrition, Crenshaw offered to lower the electrical current passing through Ishaq’s testicles.

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