EMPORIA, VA—While attempting to help an exhausted, severely dehydrated canvasser to her feet Friday, a top aide to Hillary Clinton was reportedly instructed by the Democratic presidential candidate to discontinue his efforts and leave behind the enfeebled volunteer who had collapsed during the campaign’s march to South Carolina.
WASHINGTON—During a press conference Tuesday, CIA chief Michael Hayden expressed regret over the organization's inhumane interrogation tactics of simulating drowning, removing fingernails with pliers, and lacerating genitals, when he told reporters the practices should never have been committed to paper. "Geez, what the heck were we thinking?" Hayden said. "Our job is to protect the American people from this kind of disturbing stuff, and I don't know why we even jotted it down in the first place. Next time we'll just keep it to ourselves." Hayden also said the agency planned to remove the locations and mailing addresses of secret detention facilities from its official website.