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MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

Dozens of the newly installed citizens of Venezuela gather in Caracas for a pro-U.S. demonstration.
Dozens of the newly installed citizens of Venezuela gather in Caracas for a pro-U.S. demonstration.

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

According to high-ranking federal officials who spoke on condition of anonymity, the CIA-backed citizens were installed in the early morning hours Thursday shortly after the sitting population was captured and forcibly removed from the country, part of a strategic plan to end political instability in Venezuela and ensure every single inhabitant of the nation is sympathetic to U.S. interests.

“Reports we’re hearing from those on the ground indicate all residential households in Venezuela are now occupied by pro-American surrogates,” said Angela Zarush, a Brussels-based foreign policy analyst who described the millions of new Venezuelans as “puppet citizens” handpicked by U.S. intelligence agents. “This was a complicated transfer of power that required the quick, surgical removal of a country’s populace overnight, and the subsequent installation of a replacement society that harbors pro-U.S. leanings. For these reasons, we believe the coup could not possibly have taken place without a significant source of outside financing and the operational expertise of the CIA.”

“We went to bed last night with the longtime population of Venezuela seemingly comfortable and secure in their positions; when we awoke this morning, those residents were gone, and in their place were tens of millions of men, women, and children with strong ties to Washington,” she added. “This has the CIA’s fingerprints all over it.”

Evidence gathered so far suggests that late last night, a small team of top CIA operatives was airdropped via Blackhawk helicopter into the South American nation, where they bypassed local security forces and apprehended farmers, college students, business owners, President Nicolás Maduro, oil field workers, and millions more, before escorting the overthrown people of Venezuela out of the country. It is believed every resident of the fifth most populous country on the continent was then replaced with a U.S.-friendly counterpart in a matter of hours.

The new Venezuelans, who are expected to be far more supportive of U.S. foreign policy, were reportedly lying in wait just across the border in Colombia and were quickly installed under cover of darkness. At approximately 6 a.m., members of the replacement population appeared on television to assure the nation that calm had been restored to its streets.

Witnesses said the news was met with celebratory rallies across all 23 of Venezuela’s states, with droves of recently established citizens parading in public squares where they chanted pro-American slogans and carried homemade signs reading “Renew ties with the U.S.A.!”

“There is no evidence to suggest the American intelligence community had any involvement in the events that transpired this morning in Venezuela,” CIA director John Brennan told reporters in a morning press conference, dismissing such claims as propaganda intended to sow doubt about the legitimacy of the fledgling populace. “By all accounts, the coup appears to have been a homegrown movement expressing the will of the Venezuelan people, and the United States recognizes the sovereignty of the 30 million new individuals now in place.”

Though Brennan disputes the reports, evidence of CIA involvement continues to mount, with witnesses claiming to have seen federal agents unloading thousands of people from the backs of trucks in Caracas, Maracaibo, Valencia, and over 330 other municipalities. Some even said they had seen the newly instated inhabitants being outfitted with casual everyday clothing and personal accessories before being released across the 350,000 square miles of the country.

At press time, sources confirmed the new Venezuelan populace had already grown displeased at the United States meddling in their affairs and had cut off all communication with Washington.

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