CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 16

Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete

MADISON, WI—Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday. "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage. "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! AIIIIGH!'" Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned a Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas.

Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer'

LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little Dancer. "In the rear, trailing by 11 lengths, it's Little Dancer," said Ellis over Churchill Downs' public-address system. "Little Dancer not responding to the fast track like a lot of people insisted she would." Calling the race's exciting photo-finish between Indian Express and Kingston Kid, Ellis said: "And down the stretch they come! Indian Express and Kingston Kid neck and neck! Goddammit."

Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died

SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation. "I cannot express how deeply mortified I am," said John Aulter, 52, the boy's father. "I mean, where in the world did Cris get the idea to suffocate himself while jerking off? How will I ever show my face around the office again?" Aulter said he plans to tell friends and coworkers that his son was hit by a car.

Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet

WAYLAND, NY—While eating lunch at the Back Porch Cafe Monday, a suspicious Diane Rollo, 43, sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Rollo, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Liz Lauderdorf. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Rollo said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.

I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you can, but often, I'll get so caught up in the moment that I forget that slaughtering innocent people is supposed to be fun. I really need to stop taking lives so seriously.

The New York City Budget Crisis

With a deficit o $3.8 billion, New York is facing its worst fiscal crisis in three decades. How is Mayor Bloomberg making up for the shortfall?

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Energy

CIA: Syria Harboring More Than 15 Million Known Arabs

LANGLEY, VA—In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.

Suspected Arabs move freely through a Damascus marketplace.

"Reliable intelligence collected by our agency indicates that Syria has conspired to lend physical and economic support to a massive number of people belonging to this group," CIA director George J. Tenet said. "The shocking truth is, there are nearly as many Arabs in Syria as there are people in New York and Los Angeles combined. In fact, Syrians openly refer to their nation as the Syrian Arab Republic, despite knowing full well America's opinion on these matters."

Explaining the CIA's methods of gathering data on the rogue ethnicity's presence in Syria, Tenet said it relied on a combination of satellite imagery, computer-system infiltration, reports from Syrian covert operatives, intercepted radio and television transmissions, and The World Almanac And Book Of Facts 2003.

"It's practically an open secret these days," Tenet said. "Syrian television brazenly shows Arabs in military uniforms carrying guns, or delivering political speeches to other members of the group. Walk into any house of worship in the country, and you'll see people reading the Koran and bowing their heads in prayer toward Mecca. It's almost like they're daring the United States to get involved."

"Disturbingly, more than 90 percent of these Arabs have been linked to the practice of 'Islam'—a defiantly non-Western system of faith whose core principles are embraced by none other than Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," Tenet added. "If this is true, and we do consider this information to be correct in all particulars, then this is troubling at best."

President Bush, Tenet said, has been aware of Syria's ties to known Arab political and religious figures since the earliest planning stages of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Tenet assured reporters that all possible diplomatic avenues of resolving the situation were being aggressively pursued.

In a chilling scene, thousands of Arabs bow toward Mecca in praise of Allah.

"We have informed [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad of the presence of Arabs in his country and have offered any aid necessary to bring this situation under control," Tenet said. "I am confident that a resolution to this crisis can be achieved without resorting to military action."

This is not the first time Syria has been linked to Arabs. Israel found the Golan Heights heavily populated by Arabs when it annexed the region from Syria during 1967's Arab-Israeli War. Arabs have historically held many influential posts in the Syrian government, and the CIA claims to have data indicating that wealthy Arab businessmen control the greater part of Syria's economy.

The CIA report prompted concern from many Americans.

"I'm not surprised," said Wayne Early, an Atlanta-area mortgage broker. "I suspect they're all over that part of the world. First, the government linked them to Sept. 11, then Afghanistan, and then Iraq. It makes you wonder who's next."

"The more I learn about Arabs, the less I like them," said Carol Schecter of Norfolk, VA. "Beirut, Teheran, Baghdad... everyplace there's trouble, they're there, and now we've found them in Syria. I just hope they don't hurt the regular Syrians."

Tenet assured citizens that he is committed to resolving the crisis.

"We don't want to cause any undue panic, but now that the Arabs are there, we're going to have to deal with them," Tenet said. "Unfortunately, they're not just going to go away by themselves."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More