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Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Cincinnati Reds Volunteer To Win NL Central

CINCINNATI—The Cincinnati Reds (61-58) officially put their names forward as 2006 NL Central division champions Wednesday, after sensing that if they didn't offer to finish in first place, no one would. "We just figured that the Cardinals would do it again since they've been the ones doing it the past couple years, but they don't really seem to want to this season," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "It's been a while since we came in first, so I guess it's our turn. No way are we doing it next year, though." Narron and his team also volunteered to get swept by the Mets in the first round of the playoffs.

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