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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone

As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe.

Hi everyone! Cindy Halcombe here with my quarterly blogpost. Really should have had my lawyers fight a little harder for a more regular spot. That really would have bugged OSN. In particular, You-Know-Alex-Who.

So you know the drill, I just come on here and talk about what I want to talk about. Indiana local sports, my old high school lacrosse team, players I find cute. Basically whatever I want to do. So just to switch things up, I am making Alex Reiser submit a guest blogpost within my guest blogpost! Because I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Take it away Alex!

I Don't Want To Write This Blogpost by Alex Reiser

I don't understand why I have to do this. I don't have anything to say about stupid Indiana sports and I don't want to say it.

I will say that I understand that Cindy thinks what I did was lame but I do not think I will be doing it anymore especially since she quit and got a million dollars or whatever. So I don't see why she can't just let it go and not have a grudge. I don't have a grudge against her because I am not allowed to say that I do.

In conclusion, I hope Cindy and I can be friends because everything I said I was joking about I didn't find her attractive at all I swear.

Wow, thanks Alex! Shouldn't be too hard to squeeze a few more bucks out of OSN after that! I'm going to have you do more mid-post guest posts, that was an unexpected gold mine you just wrote out.

OK, that's enough from me! See you in three months and as always I make my promise to you: my fiery rage at Alex Reiser and everything he represents will never die and I will continue to destroy OSN in any way I can until he is fired.

Bye guys!

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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