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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cindy Halcombe And The The Cindy E-Zone

As part of the continuing agreement between the Onion Sports Network and ex-intern Cindy Halcombe, here is a court-mandated guest post written by Halcombe.

Hi everyone! Cindy Halcombe here with my quarterly blogpost. Really should have had my lawyers fight a little harder for a more regular spot. That really would have bugged OSN. In particular, You-Know-Alex-Who.

So you know the drill, I just come on here and talk about what I want to talk about. Indiana local sports, my old high school lacrosse team, players I find cute. Basically whatever I want to do. So just to switch things up, I am making Alex Reiser submit a guest blogpost within my guest blogpost! Because I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Take it away Alex!

I Don't Want To Write This Blogpost by Alex Reiser

I don't understand why I have to do this. I don't have anything to say about stupid Indiana sports and I don't want to say it.

I will say that I understand that Cindy thinks what I did was lame but I do not think I will be doing it anymore especially since she quit and got a million dollars or whatever. So I don't see why she can't just let it go and not have a grudge. I don't have a grudge against her because I am not allowed to say that I do.

In conclusion, I hope Cindy and I can be friends because everything I said I was joking about I didn't find her attractive at all I swear.

Wow, thanks Alex! Shouldn't be too hard to squeeze a few more bucks out of OSN after that! I'm going to have you do more mid-post guest posts, that was an unexpected gold mine you just wrote out.

OK, that's enough from me! See you in three months and as always I make my promise to you: my fiery rage at Alex Reiser and everything he represents will never die and I will continue to destroy OSN in any way I can until he is fired.

Bye guys!

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