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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss

SAN ANTONIO—Following the Lakers’ 91-79 loss in Game 1 of their playoff series, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan reportedly urged his opponents Tuesday not to be discouraged, reminding them of England’s underdog victory against the French during the Battle of Agincourt in 1415. “Remember, the English were outnumbered 6 to 1, so they had the odds stacked against them, too,” said Duncan, noting that the Lakers should remain focused and positive, “much like the English knights bravely marching into Pas-de-Calais amidst a bloody Hundred Years’ War.” “If Henry V taught us anything that day, it’s that an organized, cohesive unit can turn around any so-called lost cause, so keep your heads up. Sometimes you simply need to find an innovative new approach, as the King did setting his longbowmen on the flanks of the defile to attack Charles d’Albert’s oncoming cavalry.” Duncan added that while the Lakers should take heart from England’s unexpected military triumph, they should also always honor the memory of the estimated 10,000 soldiers from both sides who gave their lives during the 15th-century battle.

UPDATE: Duncan reportedly just called Lakers head coach Mike D’Antoni to offer inspirational quotes from famed king and military leader Frederick II of Prussia.

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