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Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

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How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

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‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group

LAWRENCE, KS—More than 3,000 U.S. citizens have banded together to form a massive special disinterest group, Coalition Of Unconcerned Americans press secretary Sarah Fisher said Tuesday.

American Focus

"Politicians are completely out of touch with those Americans who are completely out of touch with politics," Fisher said. "Why is Congress always debating foreign policy and tariffs and social security and stuff? How can they claim to represent the views of the people when the people don't know anything about all that legislative nonsense? The CUA represents the views and beliefs of those Americans who care the least."

The CUA was formed by Mark Berger and Sofia Richardson, two similarly non-civic-minded Wilmington, DE, residents whose paths crossed on Feb. 3, when they both did not vote in their state's primary.

"Some of my friends were going to vote in the election, but I didn't really care about it enough to go," Berger said. "I was sorta like, 'What's it matter?' If I'd have gone to vote that day, I never would've run into Sofia at the Starbucks, and we never would've started this massive apolitical movement. Who says that two people can't make an indifference?"

The CUA is one of the nation's many political action committees, which have become increasingly influential in American politics. The CUA agenda includes plans to conduct its own "mock the vote" campaign via voter-resignation drives and indirect-mail campaigns.

"We've been doing canvassing and mailings to get our non-message out there," said Wendy Christianson, director of public outreach for the CUA. "We need to tap the huge wellspring of apathy that exists today. There are a lot of political inactivists who aren't being heard."

Christianson said that, as the presidential election heats up, the CUA's work will become even more vital.

Three CUA members half-heartedly address lawmakers in Washington.

"Even the most unconcerned citizens run the risk of getting caught up in all the debates, statistics, and news stories surrounding the election season," she said. "We want to remind the apathetic people that no matter which candidate is elected, he's just going to head to Washington and flap his gums about the government."

The CUA's first mailer is emblazoned with the group's current slogan: "Four more years of... politics?" The flyer features a graph illustrating each candidate's record of attention to political issues ranging from tax reform to national security. The initial test mailing, sent to more than 100,000 likely non-voters in Kansas last week, is otherwise devoted to a crossword puzzle, pasta-salad recipes, and a "How many rabbits can you find in this picture?" game.

The CUA will begin airing a series of ads in uncontested, non-battleground states in April. The ads are slated to highlight non-issues such as the outcome of the NCAA playoffs and the new summer line at Old Navy. While issue advertising is regulated under the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, chief legal counsel for the CUA Terry Frank said that non-issue ads are not.

"The ads are totally acceptable under the rules set forth for campaign ads by the Federal Elections Commission," Frank said. "Some might try to accuse the CUA of exerting undue non-influence on the political process, or of misleading non-voters. But, really, who's gonna care?"

According to preliminary polling conducted by the CUA, the 108th Congress is vastly out of step with the American people. In a telephone poll, the CUA asked randomly selected citizens to list their most pressing goals. Of the top four, only one, "finding a job," was discussed in Congress this session. The other three—"getting something to eat," "finding something to do," and "maybe hanging out"—have all been ignored by Washington lawmakers.

The CUA is urging its supporters to contact their representatives and voice their lack of concern.

"Write to or visit your elected representatives and talk about something other than politics," said Ted Delancey, director of constituent activities for the CUA. "It's time they heard what kinda sorta almost matters to their constituency, like the latest Scott Peterson trial news or predictions for the season finale of The Apprentice."

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