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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now

WINNIPEG—After hosting the first game of the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets last week, Winnipeg residents realized they have actually lost all interest in hockey in the 15 years since they last had an NHL team and in fact now despise the sport. “It was nice of them to think of us when they were moving the team, but when we look back on all those years we watched this dumb sport, it’s just embarrassing,” said local man Bobby Dolan, cringing at the sight of a Jets logo. “I checked out about half a period before I realized how much better my life has been without hockey.” As of press time, the Winnipeg-based investors who bought the team had left the deed to their arena and all of their 23 players with a sleeping homeless man curled up on a sidewalk.

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