adBlockCheck

Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now

WINNIPEG—After hosting the first game of the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets last week, Winnipeg residents realized they have actually lost all interest in hockey in the 15 years since they last had an NHL team and in fact now despise the sport. “It was nice of them to think of us when they were moving the team, but when we look back on all those years we watched this dumb sport, it’s just embarrassing,” said local man Bobby Dolan, cringing at the sight of a Jets logo. “I checked out about half a period before I realized how much better my life has been without hockey.” As of press time, the Winnipeg-based investors who bought the team had left the deed to their arena and all of their 23 players with a sleeping homeless man curled up on a sidewalk.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close