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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Citizens Of Winnipeg Realize They Hate Hockey Now

WINNIPEG—After hosting the first game of the newly relocated Winnipeg Jets last week, Winnipeg residents realized they have actually lost all interest in hockey in the 15 years since they last had an NHL team and in fact now despise the sport. “It was nice of them to think of us when they were moving the team, but when we look back on all those years we watched this dumb sport, it’s just embarrassing,” said local man Bobby Dolan, cringing at the sight of a Jets logo. “I checked out about half a period before I realized how much better my life has been without hockey.” As of press time, the Winnipeg-based investors who bought the team had left the deed to their arena and all of their 23 players with a sleeping homeless man curled up on a sidewalk.

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