City Council, Herb J. Fenton Meet To Discuss Ways To Control Unchecked Growth Of Herb J. Fenton

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Vol 32 Issue 04

'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across Liechtenstein," a special fund-raising event that raised more than $30 for Liechtenstein charities. Nearly 150 citizens joined hands in a line that stretched from one end of the country to the other, forming a human chain one-and-a-half football fields long. "This is a great achievement and an inspiring tribute to the great spirit of our people," Liechtenstein's Prince Hans Adam II said. "I can barely see the end of the line from where I stand." The $30 raised will go t

Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great." "You guys have been great," Campanelli told them at the conclusion of his 20-minute performance."Thanks a lot and good night." Audiences previously called great by Campanelli include the Friday 8:30 p.m. show and the Friday 11 p.m.

Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as Get A Grip and Pump, has collected three million signatures on a petition imploring the veteran rock quintet to return to drug addiction. "We, the united fans of Aerosmith," the petition read in part, "plead with you to resume the type of liberal use of heroin and cocaine that fueled kick-ass albums like 1976's Rocks and classic tunes like 'Back In The Saddle.' We would additionally like to see a marked increase in alcohol abuse, particularly from one-time 'Toxic Twin' Joe Perry, who, regrettably, has not had a monster riff since 1980."

Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I could not find our wrench and the sink was dripping like the River Jordan in the Holy Land. Well, we called the policemen and they came screeching to our home with their sirens and whistles and told us not to call them unless it was an emergency, and they gave us a ticket. But by that time the sink had stopped leaking.

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be very impressive and exciting. But to be honest, it just boils my blood. I mean, the federal government can put a man on the moon, but it can't build a killer robot police force to keep the cars from roaring down my street at 45 miles per hour? What kind of priorities do we have in this country?

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

City Council, Herb J. Fenton Meet To Discuss Ways To Control Unchecked Growth Of Herb J. Fenton

MILPITAS, CA—Citing space considerations, the need for a more forward-looking acquisition plan and community concern over severe electrical-outlet overcrowding, Milpitas city officials met with area resident Herb J. Fenton Monday to develop a sensible long-term plan for the controlled future growth of Herb J. Fenton.

Milpitas, CA, resident Herb J. Fenton, seen here in front of his expanding, consumer-goods-filled home. City officials met with Fenton Monday in an effort to develop long-term solutions to the growing problem of Fenton sprawl.

"The issue of 'Fenton sprawl' is the most serious long-term civic planning challenge facing Milpitas," said Bonnie Walker, president of the "Fenton 2000" planning committee. "Fenton's unregulated consumption, which in the past month alone has included a new motorcycle, minivan, stereo system, gas grill and patio set, puts him on a growth trajectory seven times that of the average U.S. consumer. Project that to the year 2010, and you begin to see the potential for disaster."

Throughout the five-hour, closed-door meeting, council members expressed a willingness to compromise with Fenton, though they sharply criticized him for what they termed "a long history of reckless, unchecked growth."

Among Fenton's more questionable moves: the recent purchase of a small digital satellite dish to augment the large dish already in place; last month's expansion and renovation of his living room to make room for a new billiard table; and a projected May '98 in-ground swimming pool installation.

Council members were particularly critical of Fenton's controversial recent purchase of an oversized trailer, a move he staunchly defended.

"I realize that an 18-foot trailer will greatly increase the density of my already overtaxed one-acre lot," Fenton said. "But let's be honest: My snowmobile and fishing boat aren't much good without a trailer to tow them. Growth, in this case, was absolutely unavoidable. Clearly, with their opposition to my new trailer, city council members are trying to curb my purchases not just of luxuries but of necessities, as well."

Council members also raised a number of serious Fenton-related storage issues, primarily the question of where he plans to put his new riding mower. "As we all know, Mr. Fenton's tool shed is already full," Walker said. "And while the construction of a second tool shed to store the mower would be helpful, in the long run such a structure would only serve to aggravate the problem of unregulated Fentonian expansion."

Fenton said that now that his three children are all in their teens, the proposed second shed could be built on land currently occupied by the youths' childhood swingset. Such a plan, however, would require the approval of Fenton's wife Cheryl, who is believed to strongly oppose the plan because of the swingset's status as a family historical site.

While Monday's meeting did not result in a comprehensive, workable Fenton containment plan, council members did conclude that a good deal of Fenton sprawl could be eliminated through consolidation.

"Instead of having a 27-inch television in every single room of the house, perhaps Mr. Fenton could opt for 32-inch televisions, but only in the living room, kitchen, master bedroom and breakfast nook," Walker said. "It's a quality-of-life issue. Bigger TVs with more channels, not more TVs. More heads on the VCR, not more VCRs. Only taping very special episodes of McMillan And Wife, not every episode. Simplify."

Fenton responded that such suggestions, while well-meaning, are unrealistic. "Should I also stop buying the Gotham City-sized Tostitos corn chips? Should I stop buying 72-can packs of Pepsi? What will I put in my refrigerators then?" he said.

Making a sole concession to the council, Fenton grudgingly agreed to hold a garage and rummage sale later this fall. "I guess I could sell off a few things. We don't use the trampoline much anymore, and I'll probably never get around to fixing up my old riding mower now that I've got the new Toro," he said. "But no way I'm selling those golf clubs—I still have to learn to play golf someday."

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