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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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City Of New Orleans Inspiring Saints To Get Over Latest On-Field Disaster

NEW ORLEANS—After Sunday's devastating loss left a once vibrant New Orleans football team in a state of total disrepair and all 53 Saints players despondent, awash in despair, and bereft of any hope for salvation, members of their fanbase have decided not to abandon their devastated team and to instead offer support in their time of extreme need. "Mere weeks ago this was a great football team, and it will rise up and be great once again," Ninth Ward resident Darius Jenkins said. "Some may say this disaster was inevitable, that the team should have been prepared for a collapse after seeing the warning signs the week before, but this is not a time to live in the past. We must support them as they rebuild." Beleaguered Saints quarterback Drew Brees said Monday that he hopes the tragic events that transpired inside both Raymond James Stadium and the RCA Dome will never happen again, adding that the sights and sounds were "ghastly," "appalling," and "showed professional football at its worst."

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