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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again

DES MOINES, IA—Saying that his designs felt oddly familiar as he was drafting them, urban planner William Reston confirmed Monday that while envisioning a revitalized downtown for Des Moines, IA, he had absentmindedly laid out the preexisting city of Philadelphia. “I was just thinking about putting the city’s main art museum and premier university on opposite banks of the river when all of a sudden it hit me: This is Philly!” Reston said after his project-stalling blunder, during which he gave Des Moines a sports complex with three major venues, 24 square blocks of colonial-era architecture, and a centrally located City Hall topped by a statue of a prominent regional historic figure. “Honestly, I really should have spotted it when I changed Western Gateway Park’s name to JFK Plaza and added Robert Indiana’s LOVE sculpture, but for whatever reason it just made sense at the time.” Reston then made an effort to hide his error by mixing some obscure Seattle neighborhoods into his layout.

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