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Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader

RAFAH, GAZA STRIP—Remarking that he felt honored to be considered so important and influential, Gazan civilian casualty Khalil Said Zahlan told reporters from an emergency aid station Monday that he was incredibly flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas militant leader by an Israeli airstrike. “I’m just a regular shop owner here in Gaza, so I can’t imagine what would lead them to think I had the capability to command an armed insurgent movement, but I’m not one to turn down a compliment,” said a bandaged Zahlan, who added that being held in high enough regard to be targeted and violently forced from his home by a round of bombing this morning was far from faint praise. “I have no connection to Hamas at all, but to receive that kind of attention from Israel’s top military officials is really something. This is an honor I won’t forget.” Zahlan added that he was deeply touched that the Israel Defense Forces also mistook his two young daughters and late wife for Hamas leaders as well.

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