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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Civilization Collapses

EARTH—Several millennia of relative stability and order came to an end Tuesday as global civilization collapsed, plunging the planet into a chaotic gallimaufry of superstitious cults and roving tribal armies. "Our leader, Astar the King, derives his power from Go-Ard, the one true god who lives in the sun," said former KFC third-shift manager Ernest Billings, who now exists to serve Astar, overlord of much of what used to be the state of Washington. Phillip Trainer, formerly a political science professor at Duke University, predicted that his own city-clan of Babylramia will grow in power and influence until it encompasses the entire world, at which point an eternal golden age of harmony will begin.

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