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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Clairvoyant Vince Vaughn Accepts Movie Role Before It's Offered

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Vince Vaughn telephoned his agent Norman Falbaum Monday, saying only, "Tell Owen yes." According to Falbaum, the phone rang again five minutes later, and Vaughn was offered a part co-starring with Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers 2: Crashing Manhattan. "I don't know how Vince does it," Falbaum said. "Completely out of the blue, he says, 'I'll take it!' And then the phone rings—Anchorman. Or it's, 'Norm? Vince. I love the script,' and I'm like, 'What script?' Five minutes later, Starsky & Hutch crosses my desk." Falbaum added that Vaughn's supernatural abilities have failed him only once, when he accepted the lead role in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, failing to foresee that it would not be offered.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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