adBlockCheck

Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso

KENNESAW, GA—During his American history class at Hebron Elementary School Wednesday, fifth-grader Jake Hensley was unable to produce a single hilarious disruptive comment regarding the Wilmot Proviso, an 1846 rider to a Congressional appropriations bill that attempted to outlaw slavery in the territory acquired from the Mexican–American War.

"I completely blanked," said Hensley, who firmly established his class-clown status earlier in the year during a lesson on Revolutionary War–era statesman John Hancock. "It was getting so close to the end of class that I almost considered 'Smellmot Proviso,' which is gay. I think I'm losing my touch."

Despite his failure to combine "Proviso" with either the word "fart" or "boner," Hensley did manage to redeem himself in his last-period English class by delivering a solid five minutes on the third chapter of Hatchet.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close