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A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso

KENNESAW, GA—During his American history class at Hebron Elementary School Wednesday, fifth-grader Jake Hensley was unable to produce a single hilarious disruptive comment regarding the Wilmot Proviso, an 1846 rider to a Congressional appropriations bill that attempted to outlaw slavery in the territory acquired from the Mexican–American War.

"I completely blanked," said Hensley, who firmly established his class-clown status earlier in the year during a lesson on Revolutionary War–era statesman John Hancock. "It was getting so close to the end of class that I almost considered 'Smellmot Proviso,' which is gay. I think I'm losing my touch."

Despite his failure to combine "Proviso" with either the word "fart" or "boner," Hensley did manage to redeem himself in his last-period English class by delivering a solid five minutes on the third chapter of Hatchet.

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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

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