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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Class Clown Has Nothing On Wilmot Proviso

KENNESAW, GA—During his American history class at Hebron Elementary School Wednesday, fifth-grader Jake Hensley was unable to produce a single hilarious disruptive comment regarding the Wilmot Proviso, an 1846 rider to a Congressional appropriations bill that attempted to outlaw slavery in the territory acquired from the Mexican–American War.

"I completely blanked," said Hensley, who firmly established his class-clown status earlier in the year during a lesson on Revolutionary War–era statesman John Hancock. "It was getting so close to the end of class that I almost considered 'Smellmot Proviso,' which is gay. I think I'm losing my touch."

Despite his failure to combine "Proviso" with either the word "fart" or "boner," Hensley did manage to redeem himself in his last-period English class by delivering a solid five minutes on the third chapter of Hatchet.

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