adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Class Of '88 Reunion Attendees Once Again Trick Sue Thorpe Into Thinking Jeff Urban Likes Her

ABERDEEN, ID—While attending her 20-year high school reunion Monday, 38-year-old claims adjuster Sue Thorpe was once again tricked into believing that used-car salesman and former homecoming king Jeff Urban had a crush on her, a replay of a cruel prank first played on Thorpe during her senior prom in 1988. "Becky [Linden] told me that Jeff was real lonely after his divorce, and that he had thought about me a lot over the years," Thorpe said tearfully after being humiliated in front of her entire class when the now 252-pound Urban refused to dance with her. "And Bella [Cortland] said that because Jeff's a notary public now, it's illegal for him to lie, so he had to be telling the truth when she asked Jeff if he liked me and he said yes. Why do they keep doing this to me?" Later that evening, a dejected Thorpe repeated another dark chapter from her past when she got drunk and was impregnated by Louis O'Keefe in a soccer goal.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close