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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Classic Boring

MONTPELIER, VT—Book-circle organizer Jackie McKinney announced Monday that the remaining 26 chapters of the John Steinbeck's The Grapes Of Wrath will be skipped because they are boring. "It might be a classic, but it sure is hard to keep your attention on it," McKinney said. "What happens to those Dust Bowl farmers during the Depression is sad, but I can only read so many descriptions of the dust and the crickets and the hard wrinkles in so-and-so's face. A true classic should be impossible to put down." The book circle has not abandoned the classics; it has scheduled a Friday night viewing of the 1998 movie adaptation of Great Expectations starring Ethan Hawke.

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