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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Classic Boring

MONTPELIER, VT—Book-circle organizer Jackie McKinney announced Monday that the remaining 26 chapters of the John Steinbeck's The Grapes Of Wrath will be skipped because they are boring. "It might be a classic, but it sure is hard to keep your attention on it," McKinney said. "What happens to those Dust Bowl farmers during the Depression is sad, but I can only read so many descriptions of the dust and the crickets and the hard wrinkles in so-and-so's face. A true classic should be impossible to put down." The book circle has not abandoned the classics; it has scheduled a Friday night viewing of the 1998 movie adaptation of Great Expectations starring Ethan Hawke.
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