After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day

YAKIMA, WA—Watching in amazement as their classmate Doug Horgan received yet another free miniature box of cereal and a banana Tuesday morning, first-graders at Eisenhower Elementary surmised that the pampered 6-year-old must be very well-connected. “I think Doug knows Principal [Dennis] Garcia or something, or maybe his dad is famous,” fellow student Eric Reynolds told reporters, noting with awe that all Horgan has to do to get free food is walk up to the counter and show his “super-special ticket.” “He’s allowed to pick out whether he wants a muffin or yogurt and the lady just gives it to him. I even heard that a teacher used her own money to go out and buy him pencils and crayons to draw with!” According to Eisenhower Elementary sources, if the free stuff wasn’t enough, Horgan also gets to watch TV all night while his mom is out working.

After Birth

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