adBlockCheck

Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Classmates Awed By First-Grader Who Gets Free Breakfast Every Day

YAKIMA, WA—Watching in amazement as their classmate Doug Horgan received yet another free miniature box of cereal and a banana Tuesday morning, first-graders at Eisenhower Elementary surmised that the pampered 6-year-old must be very well-connected. “I think Doug knows Principal [Dennis] Garcia or something, or maybe his dad is famous,” fellow student Eric Reynolds told reporters, noting with awe that all Horgan has to do to get free food is walk up to the counter and show his “super-special ticket.” “He’s allowed to pick out whether he wants a muffin or yogurt and the lady just gives it to him. I even heard that a teacher used her own money to go out and buy him pencils and crayons to draw with!” According to Eisenhower Elementary sources, if the free stuff wasn’t enough, Horgan also gets to watch TV all night while his mom is out working.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close