Clay Matthews

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Vol 47 Issue 05

Tom Becker's Testimony

The Supreme Court recently ruled that the First Amendment no longer applied to idiotic blowhard, Tom Becker.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Clay Matthews

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people

WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle After 10-Yard Gain"; sometimes a little sloppy when wrapping up birthday presents; was just trying to pet the lady's soft hair

TRAINING REGIMEN: Has studied judo and jiujitsu to increase his ability to scream long strings of vowels at opponents

COLLEGE CAREER: Refused to take "you scare us" as an answer and chose to walk on at USC anyway

SIGNATURE MOVE: Uses 8,000-rpm spin to drill deep into the field and burst out from the ground beneath the unsuspecting quarterback

NEXT: Mike McCarthy

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