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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Clay Matthews

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people

WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle After 10-Yard Gain"; sometimes a little sloppy when wrapping up birthday presents; was just trying to pet the lady's soft hair

TRAINING REGIMEN: Has studied judo and jiujitsu to increase his ability to scream long strings of vowels at opponents

COLLEGE CAREER: Refused to take "you scare us" as an answer and chose to walk on at USC anyway

SIGNATURE MOVE: Uses 8,000-rpm spin to drill deep into the field and burst out from the ground beneath the unsuspecting quarterback

NEXT: Mike McCarthy

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