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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Clean-Shaven, Tuxedoed James Holmes Charms Courtroom In Latest Appearance

CENTENNIAL, CO—A newly clean-shaven and tuxedo-wearing James Holmes reportedly charmed and utterly beguiled the entire courtroom during an appearance today at his murder trial. “Why, hello, hello—I hope I didn’t keep you all waiting,” the dapper man accused of gunning down 12 people in an Aurora movie theater said after strolling through the gallery, casually leaning up against the jury box, and giving a wink to Judge Carlos A. Samour, to the visible delight of the assembled attorneys and judicial staff. “So, where did we leave off last? Ah, yes, of course. My plea. That old thing.” At press time, a rapt courtroom watched with great amusement as Holmes spoke eloquently and at length about the idiosyncrasies of the fairer sex, Morocco in spring, and the sublime pleasure of a good glass of brandy.

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