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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Clean-Shaven, Tuxedoed James Holmes Charms Courtroom In Latest Appearance

CENTENNIAL, CO—A newly clean-shaven and tuxedo-wearing James Holmes reportedly charmed and utterly beguiled the entire courtroom during an appearance today at his murder trial. “Why, hello, hello—I hope I didn’t keep you all waiting,” the dapper man accused of gunning down 12 people in an Aurora movie theater said after strolling through the gallery, casually leaning up against the jury box, and giving a wink to Judge Carlos A. Samour, to the visible delight of the assembled attorneys and judicial staff. “So, where did we leave off last? Ah, yes, of course. My plea. That old thing.” At press time, a rapt courtroom watched with great amusement as Holmes spoke eloquently and at length about the idiosyncrasies of the fairer sex, Morocco in spring, and the sublime pleasure of a good glass of brandy.

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