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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories

HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the Raccoon was almost to Pinecone Castle to rescue Princess Porcupine when he suddenly turned around and went home because he realized he had forgotten to ask his dad for permission to go outside,” said Travis, noting that his father had also recently introduced a human character named “Travvie” who, because he wishes to be a big help to his father, chooses to rake leaves without receiving an allowance. “At least it was better than the one about the unicorn who goes on a trip with his parents and does nothing the whole time but sit quietly in the backseat of the car and behave himself.” Travis’ father, Peter Ferland, declined to comment on the bedtime stories and instead asked if his son had been polite or “acted like a little shit” when talking with reporters.

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