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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories

HUMBOLDT, TN—Citing recent tales such as “Hank the Homework-Before-Dessert Dog,” “Elmer the Don’t-Talk-Back Parrot,” and “Hard Work Is Its Own Reward,” 8-year-old Travis Ferland told reporters Wednesday the theme of obedient children had begun to recur in his father’s bedtime stories. “In last night’s story, Ricky the Raccoon was almost to Pinecone Castle to rescue Princess Porcupine when he suddenly turned around and went home because he realized he had forgotten to ask his dad for permission to go outside,” said Travis, noting that his father had also recently introduced a human character named “Travvie” who, because he wishes to be a big help to his father, chooses to rake leaves without receiving an allowance. “At least it was better than the one about the unicorn who goes on a trip with his parents and does nothing the whole time but sit quietly in the backseat of the car and behave himself.” Travis’ father, Peter Ferland, declined to comment on the bedtime stories and instead asked if his son had been polite or “acted like a little shit” when talking with reporters.

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