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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First

CLEMSON, SC—Sources have confirmed that following a review of the latest academic progress reports, Clemson athletics director Dan Radakovich tore into an unnamed member of the Tigers football team yesterday for not putting education first. “Look, son, you are a student-athlete here, and the student comes first,” Radakovich told the 310-pound man, adding that he doesn’t give a damn how much money the football team brings in each year. “When our boosters fund your scholarship, they expect to see you show up every Tuesday and Thursday for lecture and take advantage of all this university has to offer, got it? You think we care about our number of wins, some rivalry game, or our school’s profile? No. We care about your education.” Radakovich reportedly concluded by informing the player that everyone will be pulling for him this weekend as he studies for Monday’s midterm.

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