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Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First

CLEMSON, SC—Sources have confirmed that following a review of the latest academic progress reports, Clemson athletics director Dan Radakovich tore into an unnamed member of the Tigers football team yesterday for not putting education first. “Look, son, you are a student-athlete here, and the student comes first,” Radakovich told the 310-pound man, adding that he doesn’t give a damn how much money the football team brings in each year. “When our boosters fund your scholarship, they expect to see you show up every Tuesday and Thursday for lecture and take advantage of all this university has to offer, got it? You think we care about our number of wins, some rivalry game, or our school’s profile? No. We care about your education.” Radakovich reportedly concluded by informing the player that everyone will be pulling for him this weekend as he studies for Monday’s midterm.

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