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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Cleveland Browns Fan Beginning To Question His Future With Team

CLEVELAND—Local contractor and lifelong Browns fan Tim Rogan, 32, revealed in an interview Monday that he is beginning to seriously question his once promising future with the team. "Things started out so well, it almost seemed magical," said Rogan, reflecting on the first time he ever strapped on a Cleveland Browns helmet and headed out to the backyard to pretend he was Bernie Kosar. "I've been trying to maintain my enthusiasm for the rebuilding phase they’ve been going through for the past 20 years, but right now I don't even understand what they're trying to do with the team. I feel as if guys like me aren't even a part of their thinking anymore." As of press time, the Jacksonville Jaguars had expressed interest in Rogan, saying a fan is exactly what their organization has been lacking for some time.

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