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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Cleveland Browns Fan Beginning To Question His Future With Team

CLEVELAND—Local contractor and lifelong Browns fan Tim Rogan, 32, revealed in an interview Monday that he is beginning to seriously question his once promising future with the team. "Things started out so well, it almost seemed magical," said Rogan, reflecting on the first time he ever strapped on a Cleveland Browns helmet and headed out to the backyard to pretend he was Bernie Kosar. "I've been trying to maintain my enthusiasm for the rebuilding phase they’ve been going through for the past 20 years, but right now I don't even understand what they're trying to do with the team. I feel as if guys like me aren't even a part of their thinking anymore." As of press time, the Jacksonville Jaguars had expressed interest in Rogan, saying a fan is exactly what their organization has been lacking for some time.

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