Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats

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Vol 49 Issue 20

Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party

ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the fes...

Obama's Second Term Mired In Scandal

President Obama’s second term is off to a rocky start, with the acting IRS chief stepping down, the Justice Department seizing journalists’ phone records, and Republicans continuing to allege a high-level cover-up of the Benghazi attack last S...

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate o...

Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in ...

Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
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Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats

CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up to aggressively punt the ball down opponents’ throats this season. “We just signed T.J. Conley, who is an electrifying power punter, so you’re going to see this team transitioning to more of a boot-it-up-the-gut style of football,” said Chudzinski, adding that the Browns planned to line up in the punting formation 25-30 times a game. “I hope we’ve found a dominant, explosive punter who can relentlessly pound the ball with his foot. I won’t be satisfied unless we’re punting wild over defenses.” Chudzinski told reporters that the Browns were not opposed to having two or three punters on the roster and punting by committee.

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