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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Cleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats

CLEVELAND—Claiming they want to impose their will against the competition, Cleveland Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski announced Friday that the team is gearing up to aggressively punt the ball down opponents’ throats this season. “We just signed T.J. Conley, who is an electrifying power punter, so you’re going to see this team transitioning to more of a boot-it-up-the-gut style of football,” said Chudzinski, adding that the Browns planned to line up in the punting formation 25-30 times a game. “I hope we’ve found a dominant, explosive punter who can relentlessly pound the ball with his foot. I won’t be satisfied unless we’re punting wild over defenses.” Chudzinski told reporters that the Browns were not opposed to having two or three punters on the roster and punting by committee.

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