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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Cleveland Enters Second Month Of Complete Silence So As Not To Jinx Indians

CLEVELAND—The entire population of Cleveland continued its two-month-long silent streak Saturday, opting to remain completely still so as not to ruin hope for the Indians, who are off to their best start in five years. “Ssshh,” superstitious Indians fan Lindsay Berowski told reporters while placing her index finger over her lips and shaking her head briskly. When asked for further comments about the team’s impressive record, Berowski located a pen and paper and wrote, “Be quiet and please leave.” According to sources, many are blaming Wednesday’s 14-2 loss to the Red Sox on Cleveland resident Paul Eutsey, who recently rose from the chair he had been sitting in for the past month to clean off the dried urine and fecal matter that had caked itself all over his body.

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