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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Cleveland Sportswriter Compares LeBron James To Craig Ehlo

CLEVELAND—Plain Dealer columnist Brandon Long, attempting to grade the playoff performance of Cavaliers forward LeBron James in terms his readers would understand, made extensive comparisons between the league's top young player and former Cavs forward Craig Ehlo. "Some may say Craig Ehlo would not have allowed the Pistons to get inside his head, take him out of the game, and limit his scoring in the third quarter," Long's Tuesday column read in part. "Only the most die-hard Cavs fans would deny that James has Ehlo beat in terms of pure talent. I'm going to have to give it to James this time." Long is expecting to be inundated with reader mail after claiming that James, unlike Ehlo, will most likely not exit the playoffs by having Michael Jordan shoot a series-clinching jumper over him.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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