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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Climate Change Denier Battens Down Worldview To Weather Hurricane Irma

OWENSBORO, KY—Taking all necessary measures to reinforce his cherished beliefs ahead of the impending storm, local climate change denier Michael Dunn reportedly spent Friday battening down his worldview to help weather Hurricane Irma. “This could be the big one that completely destroys my position that climate change is a government conspiracy,” said Dunn, who sources confirmed had fortified his stance that global warming was merely a scheme by climatologists for research funding and hastily stockpiled pseudo-scientific reports from the internet claiming that excess CO2 is good for the environment. “All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I’ve done enough to protect my ideology from being completely leveled by this storm. I hate to say it, but I’m preparing for the worst.” At press time, Dunn was reportedly praying this hurricane was just another act of God’s vengeance against homosexuality.

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